Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
