apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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