My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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