I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize