Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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