I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
