weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
