i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
