the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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