I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize
