im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
