Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
