well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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