Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just want to make out with him forever
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
