my phone needs a breathalizer
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
