my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
