I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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