Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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