The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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