I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
