You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
