I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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