Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
