dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
