two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
