Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
