I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
