it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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