this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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