this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize