I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
