so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
