Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
