Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
