Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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