gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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