thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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