We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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