And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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