Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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