what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
