No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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