You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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