Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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