my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
