she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
