Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
