Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize