Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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