i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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