Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
no more duck duck goose at the bar
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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