That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
