I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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