I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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