And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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