Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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