Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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