If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We had to coat check the pizza.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
