well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
